The European Rightly
August 26th, 2016
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Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Mortal Kombat X to introduce ‘Banality’

The brutal fighting game infamous for its bloody ‘Fatalities’ – special moves at the end of a duel to kill the opponent in gruesome ways – will introduce the ‘Banality’ for its tenth installment, reflecting the middle-aged concerns of its characters.

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Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

March 5th, 2016

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Jan Jambon

The Belgian government will not include fingerprints in the biometric information on citizens’ electronic ID cards. ‘That would penetrate the private sphere too deeply,’ admits Interior Minister Jan Jambon (N-VA). ‘So, we opted for the less invasive penile print. Only would-be citizens, such as asylum seekers and fugitives, are obliged to provide them.’

State Secretary for Asylum Theo Francken (N-VA) hopes penile prints will help police to identify perpetrators more quickly in case of sexual harassment. ‘That is, when and if the perpetrators are asylum seekers,’ concedes Francken. ‘We will also use the penile casts as teaching material to illustrate how men should treat women in Western Europe.’

Jan Jambon dreams of a centralised European database of penile prints. ‘That’d be a big blow to Islamist terrorism,’ he hopes. ‘All those penile casts together would be a funny sight, wouldn’t you agree?’

Critics warn third parties will gain access to sensitive information, such as length, diameter and shape of men’s blue-veined pillars. ‘Oh well, if you don’t insert your willy somewhere without asking first, you have got nothing to hide,’ Jambon argues.

Minister Jambon:
‘If you don’t insert your willy somewhere without asking first, you have got nothing to hide’

Ordinary Belgian citizens can request their municipal government to take a penile print and include it on their eID card. ‘For a small fee, a picture of your penis can even replace the standard photograph,’ Jambon announces.

Tieten-emoji
February 25th, 2016

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

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mkx
August 14th, 2014

Mortal Kombat X to introduce ‘Banality’

The brutal fighting game infamous for its bloody ‘Fatalities’ – special moves at the end of a duel to kill the opponent in gruesome ways – will introduce the ‘Banality’ for its tenth installment, reflecting the middle-aged concerns of its characters.

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tpony
August 9th, 2014

Austerity measures hit history: Trojan Horse downsized to Trojan Pony

History departments have announced budget cuts and cost-saving measures at the annual History Summit in Zürich, Switzerland. Major events, achievements and personalities will be right-sized to fit in better with today’s realities.

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realman
July 24th, 2014

‘Real Men’ are absolute twats, it has emerged

Researchers from the University of Oxford have recently concluded a three-year study on masculinity. It confirmed their hypothesis that ‘Real Men’ are dimwitted idiots.

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fifasuicide
June 30th, 2014

Homecoming FIFA football players ritually sacrificed in Spain, England, other countries

As is tradition, losing national squads returning from the FIFA World Cup, are being ritually sacrificed. The Spanish national team has met a grisly end in torture chambers, while the English squad was burnt to the stake.

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scene composition: litho, frame 22
June 25th, 2014

ISS computers ‘riddled with porn’

The NASA and the European Space Agency have independently discovered why a computer error was interfering with the International Space Station’s routines: the station’s hard disks are apparently infested with pornography.

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MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA
June 4th, 2014

Last Eurodance survivor dies in Romania

Authorities have confirmed that the last known eurodance victim, Sorin Popescu, died last night in a hospital in Bucharest, aged 26. Eurodance was a dangerous infection that ravaged Europe in the 1990s.

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