The European Rightly
November 23rd, 2017
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Austerity measures hit history: Trojan Horse downsized to Trojan Pony

August 9th, 2014

History departments have announced budget cuts and cost-saving measures at the annual History Summit in Zürich, Switzerland. Major events, achievements and personalities will be right-sized to fit in better with today’s realities.

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The move away from grandiosity imparts a sense of realism on students.

The Summit’s chairman, Jérôme Duvalvin, currently professor in Ancient History at the Belgian University of Ghent: ‘It was a tough decision, but a necessary one. Like the present, history is constantly in motion.’

For example, from 2016 onwards, children all over Europe will be learning about the Trojan Pony. Duvalvin: ‘A horse is fancier, but is also more unrealistic. We feel that the spirit of the story remains intact and the ingenuity of the Greek armies is undiminished by switching to a pony.’

Other affected areas include the Seven Wonders of the Ancient World, which will officially be named the Seven Pretty Cool But Old Achievements. ‘Apart from the little step down to frame these works of architecture in a more realistic way, a Pretty Cool Achievement just connects better to a younger audience,’ adds Duvalvin.

Likewise, kings and rulers with grandiose epithets have received more accurate and modest nicknames. Russian czar Peter the Great will become Peter the Okay I Guess, while czar Ivan the Terrible will be named Ivan the Rather Unpleasant.

The Summit in Zürich was unable to settle on every matter. ‘These will have to be decided in smaller committees of specialists,’ admits Duvalvin. The president is confident, however, that agreements will be reached.

Topics still under intense debate include whether to call the Holy Roman Empire the Holy Fucking Million Tiny States or the Useless Roman Empire, and if all genocides of the 20th century could simply be brought together under the heading ‘Oops, I Did It Again’.

In addition, czar Peter the Great becomes czar Peter the Okay I Guess

Economic theorists and austerity proponents, traditionally not known for their great love of humanities, applaud the move. ‘This is a step in the right direction. It imparts the necessity of modesty and frugality on kids, and adds the necessary nuance to fanciful history tales,’ says conservative Danish MP Helge Poulsen.

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