The European Rightly
January 23rd, 2019
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Australia panics as it faces superglue shortage

March 4th, 2013

The impending superglue shortage could jeopardize the lives of twenty million Australian citizens, as folks down under have always been dependant on the sticky substance not to fall from the earth’s surface.

australians
If Australians wouldn’t affix themselves firmly to the ground, they would fly/fall into the cosmos.

Due to its precarious location at the bottom of the earth, Australians have always encountered difficulties attaching themselves and their property to the earth’s surface. In a widely reported incident in Perth in 1987, an oil tanker disappeared in outer space after the chain with which it was attached to the seabed broke off. Since then, the whole world knows that Australians need to apply a few drops of superglue to the soles of their shoes on a daily basis, to prevent them from falling down.

However, glue manufacturers are increasingly unable to meet Australian demands, due to the growing popularity of superglue in developing economies. Scientists down under are working overtime to cope with this tremendous challenge before supplies are running out.

‘Our main strategy consists of looking at the animal world,’ asserts dr Daniel-Day Dundee. ‘Species that have been wandering the continent long before mankind first set foot on Australian soil have been able to gradually adapt to these harsh gravitational conditions. Sadly, for man, time presses. I’ve already lost two toupees.’

A promising lead could be to mimic Australia’s indigent kangaroo, a species that counters gravity by constantly jumping back at the earth’s surface. ‘However, our team has not yet surmized how these animals set off against naught but air.’

Another idea would be to imitate the ostrich by sticking one’s head into the ground. Such behaviour has kept this well-known bird tightly embedded into the southern hemisphere for millions of years.

Dr Dundee:
‘Time presses. I’ve already lost two toupees’

So far, lab experiments with test subjects jumping and sticking their heads into the ground within a controlled environment have only yielded several bruises and one sprained ankle. However, Australians need not worry. Should science fail, Europe and former Commonwealth countries have already promised to provide asylum for the superglue impaired, though all gravitational refugees will have to be able to prove that they really have run out of glue.

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