The European Rightly
July 21st, 2017
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

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mkx
August 14th, 2014

Mortal Kombat X to introduce ‘Banality’

The brutal fighting game infamous for its bloody ‘Fatalities’ – special moves at the end of a duel to kill the opponent in gruesome ways – will introduce the ‘Banality’ for its tenth installment, reflecting the middle-aged concerns of its characters.

Showbizz, Technology | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

tpony
August 9th, 2014

Austerity measures hit history: Trojan Horse downsized to Trojan Pony

History departments have announced budget cuts and cost-saving measures at the annual History Summit in Z├╝rich, Switzerland. Major events, achievements and personalities will be right-sized to fit in better with today’s realities.

Science, Society | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
July 24th, 2014

‘Real Men’ are absolute twats, it has emerged

Researchers from the University of Oxford have recently concluded a three-year study on masculinity. It confirmed their hypothesis that ‘Real Men’ are dimwitted idiots.

Lifestyle, Society, Sport | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
June 30th, 2014

Homecoming FIFA football players ritually sacrificed in Spain, England, other countries

As is tradition, losing national squads returning from the FIFA World Cup, are being ritually sacrificed. The Spanish national team has met a grisly end in torture chambers, while the English squad was burnt to the stake.

Society | 1 Comment | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
June 25th, 2014

ISS computers ‘riddled with porn’

The NASA and the European Space Agency have independently discovered why a computer error was interfering with the International Space Station’s routines: the station’s hard disks are apparently infested with pornography.

Science | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

MINOLTA DIGITAL CAMERA
June 4th, 2014

Last Eurodance survivor dies in Romania

Authorities have confirmed that the last known eurodance victim, Sorin Popescu, died last night in a hospital in Bucharest, aged 26. Eurodance was a dangerous infection that ravaged Europe in the 1990s.

Lifestyle, Society | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
May 30th, 2014

Finland debuts retirement homes with built-in suicide mechanism

Claiming it will revolutionise care for the elderly, Finnish company Ulosteet has opened the first home for the elderly with built-in suicide mechanisms. Ulosteet claims they are ‘quick and completely painless.’

Lifestyle, Society, Technology | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
May 26th, 2014

European Union sends mentally ill to “European Parliament”

As has been custom every five years since 1979, last Sunday, the member nations of the European Union have voted which of their mentally ill will be shipped off to rehabilitation institutes in Brussels and Strasbourg. This humanitarian initiative draws both praise and ire.

Society | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
March 6th, 2014

Paralympic athletes seize Sochi, form militia

International brigades of Paralympics athletes have seized the airport and main transport links of Sochi. The athletes are in the Russian city for the Winter Paralympics of 2014, starting tomorrow.

Politics, Sport | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
January 15th, 2014

World stops pretending it gives a shit about Palestine

In the margins of a UN meeting, world leaders have agreed to stop pretending they give a shit about the Palestinians. ‘It was a tough decision, but in the best interest for everyone involved.’

Politics | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...