The European Rightly
January 23rd, 2019
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Both Georgias to swap places for summer

February 27th, 2013

Georgia is an ex-Soviet state located in the Caucasus region, straddling the Europe-Asia border. The country shares its name with the US state of Georgia. Both have now decided to swap places.

'We look forward to drinking Coca-Cola in peace, with our loving family', European Georgians claim.

The names of the Caucasian country and the American state are not the only amusing coincidence between them. ‘We share a deeply Christian heritage, too,’ commented Georgian president, Mikheil Saakashvili.

The swap is slated for the summer period and organised as a grand-scale house-sitting experiment. European Georgians will get to gorge themselves on traditional Southern cuisine such as KFC and gravy, while American Georgians will have ample opportunities to taste the world-renowned Georgian wine.

‘Another important aspect is recreation,’ says Georgian governor Nathan Deal. ‘We are a proud state that prides itself on responsible gun ownership. Our temporary neighbours are warned not to mess with us.’ It is widely believed this is an oblique reference to Abchazia and Russian interference in the country.

Cletus Jackson, Georgian NRA member, writes: ‘It’ll be awesome. We’ll get to take care of those Muslem (sic) separatists and Soviets (sic) still running ’round those mountains. It’ll learn them that no matter what kind of Georgian you face, they’re not to be screwed with!’

For their part, the European Georgians look forward to a rest from the outbursts of violence that plague their native land. ‘I heard that Atlanta is the capital of Coca-Cola‘, says Iusef Bolkvadze, a doctor from Tbilisi, ‘I look forward to drinking Coca Cola in peace, in sunlight, with my family.’

Governor Deal said that the idea arose after an American couple accidentally landed in the Caucasus country after booking a flight to Georgia. ‘We were like, these guys have the same name as we do, maybe we could be friends, you know? It turned out that like us, they really have a history of heroism. Our economy and living standard aren’t so different, either.’

For his part, president Saakashvili was grateful for the offer of an extended vacation for himself and his countrymen. ‘The American offer was a generous one. We are eager to see the Georgia’s cotton plantations and experience life in the Confederacy first-hand.’

Nathan Deal, governor:
‘Our living standards and economy aren’t so different’

The first flights between Atlanta and Tbilisi are set to depart early June. At the time of writing, officials are still hammering out the details of the housing swap.

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