The European Rightly
August 11th, 2020

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Cameron agrees on Brussels Mean Time

April 29th, 2013

David Cameron, the UK’s prime minister, has agreed to drop the Greenwich Mean Time in exchange for budget cuts within the EU. From now on, the Brussels Mean Time takes over as the global time standard.

David Cameron is very pleased with himself: he freed the Britons of the Greenwich Mean Time and cut the budget of the EU.

‘I think the British public can be proud,’ David Cameron announced after hours of negotiations in Brussels. ‘We have cut the seven-year credit card limit for the EU at no cost at all for the British taxpayer. We are also relieved of the burden of the Greenwich Mean Time. And yes, we do have to pay a little extra, but that’s only a minor detail.’

Overall, Cameron hailed the agreement as ‘a good deal for the UK and for Europe’.

‘This is history written in numbers,’ Herman Van Rompuy, President of the European Council, declared. ‘The budget limit we agreed on still accounts for lots and lots of euros, but it’s a whole lot less than what it used to be.’

Last night’s agreement represents the first ever reduction in the EU’s multi-annual budget. The other European leaders agreed with Mr Cameron’s proposed austerity measures if he only let go of the Greenwich Mean Time.

‘That was a small price to pay,’ Mr Cameron observed. ‘MPs from all parties had urged me to push for an unprecedented agreement, and I daresay no-one expected this outcome. Working with allies, it is possible to take real steps towards handing over British symbols to the European Union. Indeed, I insisted on voluntarily dropping the Greenwich Mean Time. What good has it brought Britain anyway? I battled off every attempt to have this deal any other way. So, what’s next, you ask? Well, there’s still the pound and the Queen. Why don’t we send them to Brussels as well?’

The Brussels Mean Time (BMT) will officially become the global standard time, but for ordinary citizens, nothing really changes. ‘It’s just a convention, you know,’ German Chancellor Angela Merkel said. ‘Most Europeans are not even aware Greenwich is a place in Britain. They probably think it’s some big, unpopulated island near Canada. Ever heard a Frenchmen try to pronounce ‘Greenwich’? No? Count yourself lucky. It’s like a sick dog coughing up a bird’s nest. It’s even worse than dear old Rumpy’s struggling with the English language. Brussels is a fine compromise, believe me.’

David Cameron:
‘I insisted on voluntarily dropping the Greenwich Mean Time’

‘This is the perfect result for everyone,’ insisted former Belgian prime minister Guy Verhofstadt, now leader of the Group of the Alliance of Liberals and Democrats for Europe (ALDE) in the European Parliament. ‘If Britain bleeds, Europe leads.’