The European Rightly
March 29th, 2017
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

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Jan Jambon
March 5th, 2016

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Politics, Society | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
March 6th, 2014

Paralympic athletes seize Sochi, form militia

International brigades of Paralympics athletes have seized the airport and main transport links of Sochi. The athletes are in the Russian city for the Winter Paralympics of 2014, starting tomorrow.

Politics, Sport | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
January 15th, 2014

World stops pretending it gives a shit about Palestine

In the margins of a UN meeting, world leaders have agreed to stop pretending they give a shit about the Palestinians. ‘It was a tough decision, but in the best interest for everyone involved.’

Politics | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

roadkill
December 30th, 2013

Germany accidentally crushes Luxembourg

Belgian rangers have stumbled upon the crushed remains of Luxembourg during a routine border exercise. The corpse showed tyre and fender marks of a large German SUV. Germany issued an apology, but claims Luxembourg was accidental roadkill.

Environment, Politics | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
December 25th, 2013

Swedish king urges nation to be less smug

In a televised address for Christmas, Swedish king Carl XVI Gustaf has asked the country to be a little less smug. ‘We truly live in the most forward-thinking nation, but please, be a little less self-content about it.’

Politics, Society | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
June 19th, 2013

Greece willing to sell Cyprus to Turkey

Increasingly desperate to end the downward economic spiral, Greece has offered the Turkish government to sell Cyprus to them and thus reunify the country. Turkey’s Erdogan is said to have welcomed the offer.

Politics | 2 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
June 14th, 2013

Price-fixing scandal rocks Big Kebab

The European Commission has accused the kebab industry, which has franchises in nearly every major city, of making price agreements that violate European anti-trust laws.

Lifestyle, Politics | 2 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
June 7th, 2013

FYROM considering more awkward name

The Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia (FYROM) is tired of the awkward name the UN forced it to adopt in 1993. The Balkan nation is pondering a namechange to something even more uncomfortable.

Politics | 2 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
May 14th, 2013

Elites think austerity beneficial for the poor

With austerity measures likely to be put in place in Slovenia, Europe’s elites demand a pro-active approach across the entire continent, especially for the middle and working classes.

Business, Politics | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...

The EU Rightly
April 29th, 2013

Cameron agrees on Brussels Mean Time

David Cameron, the UK’s prime minister, has agreed to drop the Greenwich Mean Time in exchange for budget cuts within the EU. From now on, the Brussels Mean Time takes over as the global time standard.

Politics | 0 Comments | Continue reading ...