The European Rightly
August 11th, 2020

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

CERN furious for ‘Large Hardon Collider’

February 27th, 2013

European science organisation CERN is angry. Last month, a German adult movie studio released ‘Large Hardon Collider’, a pornographic spoof on the Large Hadron Collider owned by CERN.

'I applaud any initiative that brings science closer to the average layperson, even if it has to be porn, so be it,' an anonymous CERN researcher claims.

Fabio Pantalone, CERN’s spokesperson, explains: ‘What we do at the Large Hadron Collider is among mankind’s most serious and expensive scientific experiments. We learn a lot about the universe and hope to answer fundamental questions about it. Juvenile jokes about ‘long tunnels’ and ‘orgasm fields’ debase us and make us look bad.’

One can’t fault SMUTZ Studios, the German company that made the Large Hardon Collider parody, for not being creative, though. Promotional material claims that ‘scientists discover new sex particles every day’ and ‘ram into each other at high speeds’, in addition to ‘attempting to penetrate the ultimate black holes.’

Characters include Neil deAss Tyson, as a parody on the famous American phycist, and most shockingly, a wheelchair-bound adult actor who is meant to be a parody on the British scientist Stephen Hawking. Mr Hawking’s porno antipode sports a bristling moustache and speaks with a conspicuous Polish accent.

‘We don’t have a problem with comedy,’ says Mr Pantalone, ‘but there are already enough people who call CERN into question that an adult movie is not something that is welcome at this point. Not to mention it is disrespectful to well-known scientists.’

Not everyone is convinced CERN has the right to be angry. Ian MacDonald, a phycisist involved with the institute, says: ‘What we do is very far removed from every day reality for most people. I applaud any initiative that brings science closer to the average layperson, and if it has to be pornography, so be it.’

Managing director of SMUTZ Studios, Dietmar Breitling, declined comment but did put out an official statement. ‘Adult entertainment is a fundamental part of freedom of expression. We do not mean to ridicule the important scientific achievements of CERN. Science is sexy, and we want to show that.’

Mr Breitling goes on to add that parody is fundamental to pornography: ‘In the past, we have produced highly acclaimed films such as ‘International Sex Station’, ‘Spank Bank Crisis’ and ‘Collateral Cum Swap’ that pay tribute to cross-border issues of the day. CERN has no reason to feel ashamed or angry.’

Fabio Pantalone, CERN:
‘Juvenile jokes about ‘long tunnels’ and ‘orgasm fields’ make us look bad’

CERN is located in Geneva, Switzerland and was founded in 1954. It’s self-avowed mission statement is ‘probing the fundamental structure of the universe ‘. If we are to believe Mr Breitlings Large Hardon Collider, its scientists are equally adept at probing other things.


4 Comments | RSS

  1. You folks need a chill pill or a bone and a beer. No one takes this sort of thing seriously.

    Steve Farber on 18 Jul 2014 at 18:26
  2. haha and pantalone means pants.

    Ferit Tuzer on 08 Apr 2015 at 02:31
  3. Much more serious than “hardon”, is the misspelling of “its” in: “It’s self-avowed mission statement is ‘probing the fundamental structure of the universe ‘.”

    Chris Hobbs on 08 Apr 2015 at 04:50
  4. What an absolute embarrassment. Hopefully noone links our rigid rock-hard Nanoscience Hub to this culture of debauchery; if only they know the kinds of small objects being probed there!

    Michael BierCUCK on 07 Sep 2016 at 08:10