The European Rightly
March 22nd, 2019
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Chelyabinsk meteor was actually Depardieu

March 18th, 2013

The investigation into the apparent meteor that exploded over the Russian city of Chelyabinsk has yielded astonishing results. Research indicates that the exploded mass was likely the actor Gérard Depardieu.

According to friends, Mr Depardieu was already 'on the verge of a nervous breakdown.'

A month after the trans-Ural city of Chelyabinsk was rocked by bright lights, explosions in the sky and shattering windows, a team of astrogeologists led by Dr Konstantin Durak has emerged with preliminary conclusions. The biggest shocker is that the meteor was human in origin.

‘Our estimates of the object’s trajectory pointed towards an irregular shape,’ explains Dr Durak, ‘and its assumed mass corresponded with the mass of Mr Depardieu. He was certainly large enough to cause an explosion like that.’

Curiously, the French actor, who had moved to Russia to avoid a stringent tax measure on the richest citizens in France, has not been seen since the day of the meteor explosion.

‘There is more evidence,’ says Dr Durak. ‘We found organic material in and around Lake Cherbakul that appeared to be molten and then solidified human fat tissue. DNA analysis is underway, but the presence of cheese and bread particles makes the case for Mr Depardieu’s explosion really strong.’

Mr Durak has no idea how the French heavyweight, one of the icons of the country’s film industry, could have ended up in the sky above Chelyabinsk. ‘I’m not surprised though,’ says Sophie Delarenté, a personal friend of Depardieu’s. ‘Gérard was on the verge of a nervous breakdown after what the media put him through.’

His much-publicised move to Russia drew great ire from the French press. The fanfare with which he was received by Russian president Vladimir Putin seems to have accelerated rather than diminished the stress Mr Depardieu found himself coping with. ‘He might have been flying one of his personal little airplanes,’ conjectures Dr Durak, ‘and may have suffered from an acute obesity attack.’

It is still a remarkable that the Chelyabinsk meteor made no casualties. ‘Gérard would never do that. I understand that his behaviour was often questionable to others, but I’m sure that he would never allow himself to harm others,’ says Mrs Delarenté.

Konstantin Durak:
‘Mr Depardieu may have suffered from an acute obesity attack’

At present, the charred pieces of fat have been taken back to Moscow for further study. Mr Depardieu is still missing from his apartment, and a police file has been opened to study his disappearance. If he indeed was the object that exploded above Chelyabinsk, there will no doubt be speculation whether his death should be classified as an accident or suicide.

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