The European Rightly
August 9th, 2020

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Climate change affects turd migration

March 8th, 2013

A five-year study from the University of Copenhagen has shown that climate change is affecting turd migration patterns. A more extreme climate will result in a significant decline of the turd population.

'Turds are essential to a biome, whether they are migratory turds, winter or even great predatory turds'

Ole Poulsen, the biologist who lead the research project, sees the results as a dire warning: ‘When we think of a loss of biodiversity, we think of poachers killing elephants, or waste from industrial activities that pollutes water. But more extreme weather also affects turds.’

During autumn, migratory turds move south to seek warmer locations, only to come back during spring to mate. ‘Because summers in Europe now last longer, a lot of turds stick around,’ says Mr. Poulsen, ‘but that’s not a good thing. They exert more pressure on the ecosystem that way. I mean, an environment can only handle so many turds.’

To make matters worse, if the cold really sets in, turds start moving too late, says the report. Reports of cold, frozen turds are still uncommon, but not a rarity anymore, with an increase of 23% over the past five years.

‘Turds that do start moving south find themselves ill-adapted to the extreme heat. Even a healthy turd will start to feel the effects of long dry spells or extremely wet weather,’ comments Mr. Poulsen.

The report is reluctant to make big statements, but it implies that the unraveling of ecospheres could have far-reaching consequences. ‘Turds are essential to a biome, whether they are migratory turds, winter, sea or even great predatory turds. Their quick decline is just another sign how climate change affects our world.’

Ole Poulsen:
‘Because summers now last longer, a lot of turds stick around. That’s not a good thing’

An abridged version of the University of Copenhagen’s research results will be published in the next edition of New Scientist. The full report’s name is ‘The early turd catches the worm: the decline in migratory turd populations in Europe’.

Poulsen and his team expect to continue their research, but move their focus on how oil spills affect sea turds.