The European Rightly
August 11th, 2020

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Dutch combat climate by growing taller

March 5th, 2013

The Netherlands, a nation defined by its dual relationship with the North Sea, has announced a new plan to combat climate change. Minister-president Mark Rutte has decided the Dutch will grow taller.

Shorter countrymen will take refuge on the shoulders of their taller peers.

The Dutch are already known as tall people. ‘We can reach higher,’ said Mr Rutte in a televised speech. ‘we must reach higher. If sea levels rise, the Netherlands are in the frontline of disaster, but together, we can overcome this challenge.’

The government initiative, named ‘Lange Jannen‘ (‘Long Johns’), will be a eugenics program. The tallest Dutch men and women will be invited to donate sperm and egg cells for selective breeding. The programme will also use growth hormone therapy.

‘By 2035, we will have a new generation of Dutch people that will measure 230cm (8.2ft) on average. This is already taller than about 95% of the Dutch land area, and enough to survive a flash flood or dike rupture without any trouble,’ says Flenske Biersma, lead geneticist of ‘Lange Jannen’. Mrs Biersma adds that shorter countrymen can take refuge on the shoulders of the new Dutch giants.

Some detractors of the plan are afraid the plan will lead to inbreeding. ‘We Dutch people already have a very distinct look,’ says Alexander Pechtold, leader of opposition party D66. ‘There is no way to predict that we won’t end up with undesirable traits that become more and more pronounced.’

The deeply conservative Christian Union also opposes the project, but on different grounds. Arie Slob, party leader: ‘This plan is completely insane. Creating life is God’s prerogative, not ours. Not that it will help against a flood anyway – if God wants to punish us for our lax laws that encourage sodomy, adultery and drug use, it will happen.’

Mr Rutte’s coalition government of liberals and social-democrats selected the ‘Lange Jannen’-programme out of a list of proposals to combat climate change. Other proposals included mass relocations to the least low-lying parts of the country, which are only 3m beneath sea level, and constructing a sluice system that would divert excess water to Belgium.

‘By 2035, Dutchmen will measure 250cm (8.2ft) on average’

The Netherlands have a long experience with defending their country from stormy seas with sluices, dikes and land reclamation projects. A famous Dutch saying goes that ‘God created the world, but the Dutch created the Netherlands’. Apparently, the Dutch are now also determined to create the Dutch.