The European Rightly
June 20th, 2019
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Elites think austerity beneficial for the poor

May 14th, 2013

With austerity measures likely to be put in place in Slovenia, Europe’s elites demand a pro-active approach across the entire continent, especially for the middle and working classes.

Bernard Arnault: 'I don't see why we ought to be punished. We've only made a few honest mistakes.'

Karl Albrecht, co-founder of the discount supermarket chain Aldi: ‘If we want to prevent a domino effect where country after country will request financial assistance, we need to start implementing austerity measures preventively.’ That means cutting expenditures and raising taxes.

‘Not for me, though,’ adds Albrecht, reportedly the 10th richest man in the world. ‘I’ve worked hard for all my money, so I get to keep it.’

‘Indeed,’ agrees Bernard Arnault, owner of luxury giant LVMH. ‘Governments have no right to get their hands in our pockets. But when a crisis hits, it’s obvious that everyone else but me should be ponying up. Clearly, because I have the capital I have, I don’t have any debts, and it would be unfair to punish me just because I happen to be wealthy.’

But wasn’t the crisis caused by reckless speculation from the elites? ‘Of course,’ admits Arnault, ‘but I don’t see why they – we – ought to be punished for that. We only made a few honest mistakes. It’s normal that everyone chips in to repair the damage. Europe’s savings are our best insurance policy.’

Stefan Persson, Sweden’s richest man and main owner of clothing retailer H&M, also has a few critical remarks to offer. ‘We keep talking about spending cuts and taxation, but that’s not enough. A lot of countries are bogged down in bureaucracy and endless decision-making processes that cost a lot of money.’

Persson proposes a new political system that would be more efficient and faster. ‘Let the people who want to be part of the decision-making, pay for it. It will ease the burden from a lot of people who simply can’t afford to think about politics. Those who care, will find a way to pay.’

How about rising unemployment and social discontent? ‘There is always work for those who look hard enough,’ opines Gerald Cavendish, the UK’s biggest landowner and Sixth Duke of Westminster. ‘I mean, look at me: as a man born into wealth and privilege, I had everything working against me, and yet, I still made it. If I can do it, everybody can.’

Karl Albrecht:
‘I worked hard for all my money, so I get to keep it’

Europe’s elites are expected to exert more pressure on local political leaders in the coming weeks. Albrecht, Arnault, Persson and sir Cavendish also add that their sympathies lie with the continent’s middle and working classes, but that tough times are unfortunately ahead of them.

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