The European Rightly
September 23rd, 2018
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

European Union sends mentally ill to “European Parliament”

May 26th, 2014

As has been custom every five years since 1979, last Sunday, the member nations of the European Union have voted which of their mentally ill will be shipped off to rehabilitation institutes in Brussels and Strasbourg. This humanitarian initiative draws both praise and ire.

This high-concept facility for the severly disturbed offers 751 beds and a rigorous therapy programme.

Every five years, European Union nations decide which of their severely unstable individuals they wish to send to Brussels and Strasbourg for therapy and revalidation. They do so by popular vote. The revalidation institute is commonly known as the European Parliament, after the therapy type offered there.

The high-concept facility for these patients only offers places to 751 inmates, and places are allocated according to a member country’s population size. For example, Germany gets to send 96 patients, whereas puny Malta can only afford to cast out 6 people.

The experiment to rehabilitate these individuals, some of whom are severely delusional and potentially dangerous, offers them therapy in the form of decision-making games, cooperative group therapy and a bi-annual trip from Brussels to Strasbourg and back.

Each ‘Member of Parliament’, as they are affectionately referred to, has a small staff attending to their whims and needs. At no point may this staff interfere with the patient’s role playing or ideas. ‘It’s quite a challenge,’ admits Rocco Di Matteo, caretaker. ‘It takes a special kind of magic to uphold some of their delusions.’

While forward-thinking psychiatrists applaud the energy and time the European Union spends on the institution, many voters are angry that so much money is wasted on this experiment. ‘We are still in the middle of a severe financial crisis,’ says Alexia Karamboutsolos, a healthcare specialist from Greece. ‘Right now we cannot afford to send more of these unhinged troublemakers to Brussels.’

Karamboutsolos stresses that she is not opposed to people with mental conditions getting proper help. ‘I do think they should be looked after, but we might want to consider sending people that might actually be cured. Right now, it’s a group of decrepit old men who have grown none the wiser after years and years of being in the Parliament.’

Other groups also claim that the European Parliament’s therapy doesn’t work. ‘The inmates themselves don’t believe that being there will help them.’

Rocco Di Matteo, caretaker:
‘It takes a special kind of magic to uphold some MEP’s delusional beliefs’

‘The public votes for those with the lowest wits and the most deranged ideas because they find it amusing,’ says Irene Alvarez, a psychiatrist from Spain, ‘but that joke is totally lost on them.’

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