The European Rightly
November 28th, 2020

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

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Homecoming FIFA football players ritually sacrificed in Spain, England, other countries

June 30th, 2014

As is tradition, losing national squads returning from the FIFA World Cup, are being ritually sacrificed. The Spanish national team has met a grisly end in torture chambers, while the English squad was burnt to the stake.

The ritual sacrifice has almost as many fans as the actual FIFA World Cup.

It is widely considered an act of final redemption to give one’s life in return for failing to win the FIFA World Cup. With teams now exiting the 2014 tournament in Brazil every day, capital cities all over the world are running red with blood.

Execution traditions differ from country to country. On coming home, the Spanish team was shuttled to a dungeon and tortured to death by inquisitors investigating their crimes against the Spanish people. Most other countries collect a spontaenous lynch mob.

England prefers burning failing football players to the stake, usually along with the team manager. This time, that was Roy Hogdson. His ritual final words were of resignation, regret and a note of optimism that a new generation might do better.

Other countries notably allow the dishonoured players to kill themselves. Japan, for instance, issued each man of the losing squad with a tanto blade that they were to slice open their own stomach with. All 23 players reportedly died simultaneously, praising the glorious fatherland.

The world is looking forward the most to the imminent death of the Mexico side, however. The Middle-American country has FIFA officials plunge a blade into each player’s chest on top of a high temple, and cut their live hearts in an attempt to appease the cruel Gods of Football.

Roy Hodgson’s final words were of resignation, regret and optimism

Today will decide the fate of another two teams. Bloodthirsty football fans are hoping for an untimely French exit against Nigeria: losing French teams are beheaded in public by guillotine.


1 Comment | RSS

  1. Or Nigerians eat their own heart.

    SV on 30 Jun 2014 at 18:52