The European Rightly
March 22nd, 2019
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Intelligence agencies very bored by your mails

June 11th, 2013

American intelligence agencies have indeed used phone and internet surveillance to spy on millions of citizens around the world. But authorities deny they were even slightly interested in what they discovered.

Ordinary citizen's emails are just too boring to read.

British newspaper the Guardian revealed Edward Snowden (29) as the source of the leaks. Mr Snowden, who says he has fled to Hong Kong, said he had an ‘obligation to help free people from oppression’.

In an official statement, the US Government claims that what they witnessed was ‘mostly boring, sometimes disgusting, but never interesting’. The special programme was therefore shut down immediately after discovering ‘just how unexciting people really are’, according to US officials.

The CIA’s Secret Facebook Monitoring Team (SFMT) was abandoned shortly after the first cute kitten pictures were released and four of the team members had committed suicide as a consequence.

The Special Internet Conspiracy Theory Monitoring Unit (SICTMU) of the NSA admitted to have abducted perhaps around 2.500 people, but claims to have done so ‘just for the fun of it’. ‘Most of them were returned home with nothing more than a headache and a funny tattoo somewhere on their body,’ an NSA-spokesman said.

The people of the Phone Tapping Unit (PTU) had difficulties keeping up. It emerged that a majority of people do not use English over the phone, which was a major setback for the operational capacity of the PTU. But even English conversations were not always inspiring.

CIA team members committed suicide after seeing too many cute kitten pictures

A spokesman for the US Office of the Director of National Intelligence said: ‘If you had read the trash we were reading, you would feel sorry instead of indignant. The main problem is that now thousands of people think they are interesting or even exciting, whereas we honestly don’t give a dead rat’s ass. The simple truth is that you will never be safe, whether we spy on you or not.’

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