The European Rightly
September 24th, 2017
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

ISS computers ‘riddled with porn’

June 25th, 2014

The NASA and the European Space Agency have independently discovered why a computer error was interfering with the International Space Station’s routines: the station’s hard disks are apparently infested with pornography.

NASA discourages masturbation in space because of the health risks of zero-gravity sperm.

The incident is deeply embarassing for all space agencies involved. ‘This is definitely not something we condone,’ said Kirk Walker, NASA spokesperson, ‘We won’t point fingers at individual astronauts while the investigation is ongoing, but every astronaut aboard the ISS knows that the possession of pornography is not encouraged.’

While none aboard the International Space Station have claimed responsibility for the adult material, estimated to be thousands of video and picture files, there are off the record suspicions that Russian cosmonaut Vasily Ivanov may be behind the collection. Ivanov is known to be a great porn enthusiast.

‘Vasily’s flash drives were always full of porn,’ reminisces Brian Marshal, who trained together with Ivanov in Russia. ‘I remember he was especially fond of movies with older ladies. That doesn’t mean all that porn on the ISS is automatically his, though.’

Both ESA and NASA remain tight-lipped about the exact content of the porn, but say that ‘experts’ are ‘working on it’. ‘We have quarantined the porn on our servers and we have removed it from the hard disks of the International Space Station. IT systems are running smoothly again,’ says Kirk Walker.

But while the computer bugs at the ISS may be gone, an awkward tension has now reportedly developed aboard the station. Some have also criticised the ‘puritanical’ stance of NASA.

‘It is completely ridiculous to send astronauts up in space for months and expect them to turn into asexual beings,’ says French sociologist Cathérine Rigaux, ‘Pornography could be a good outlet for sexual tension that inevitably builds up over time. I agree that if it hampers operations on board, it becomes a problem, but sexuality remains an inherent part of our nature.’

There are off the record suspicions that Russian cosmonaut Vasily Ivanov may be behind the collection

Be that as it may, NASA counters that argument with health concerns. ‘Liquids in a zero-gravity environment are very different from liquids on Earth,’ says Kirk Walker, ‘We don’t encourage astronauts to seek sexual release out of prudishness, but because sperm in zero-gravity could pose a health risk or could contaminate sensitive instruments. All astronauts know this.’

print

Respond