The European Rightly
March 22nd, 2019
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Germany accidentally crushes Luxembourg

December 30th, 2013

Belgian rangers have stumbled upon the crushed remains of Luxembourg during a routine border exercise. The corpse showed tyre and fender marks of a large German SUV. Germany issued an apology, but claims Luxembourg was accidental roadkill.

roadkill
Luxembourg's hills were badly mangled, but its ruined banks were still visible.

Belgian rangers discovered the remains of Luxembourg while crossing through an off-road track section of the heavily forested Ardennes. Police captain Victor Mathieu: ‘The grand duchy’s hills were badly mangled, but its ruined banks were clearly recognisable among the carnage.’

Medical experts quickly confirmed the rangers’ suspicion. The tyre and fender marks on the corpse were unmistakably Germany’s. Although Germany has held a bad reputation for reckless behaviour for a long time, it’s the first time in the modern era of such an occurence.

‘On behalf of Germany I would like to extend my condolences for Luxembourg,’ stated German chancellor Angela Merkel, ‘and offer my apologies for any harm that we may have inadvertently caused.’ Germany’s Ministry for Foreign Affairs says that while it doesn’t deny the chargers, it can’t recall the incident.

‘It’s possible’, says captain Mathieu. ‘Germany is a juggernaut and Luxembourg probably was unlucky to be in its way. To Germany, it must have been nothing but a bump in the road, but it meant the end of the grand duchy.’

Greenpeace deplores the incident, but says that describing it as an accident doesn’t do justice to what actually happened: ‘At best, it was an act of total negligence, and characteristic of the way some post-imperial states treat smaller ones.’

Victor Mathieu:
‘Germany is a juggernaut and Luxembourg probably was unlucky to be in its way’

The environmentalist organisation has put Monaco, Andorra, San Marino, Liechtenstein and Vatican City on an internation watch list to remind its bigger neighbours to take care when on the road.

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