The European Rightly
March 22nd, 2019
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Paralympic athletes seize Sochi, form militia

March 6th, 2014

International brigades of Paralympics athletes have seized the airport and main transport links of Sochi. The athletes are in the Russian city for the Winter Paralympics of 2014, starting tomorrow.

Captain Baker became a disabled athlete after the Iraq War: 'Many of us know the horrors of war. We cannot allow this to happen on our watch.'

Among the disabled athletes, solidarity with the plight of Ukraine is great. ‘I know what it feels like to have your home occupied by foreign troops,’ says Hamid Ormur, a wheelchair basketball player from Afghanistan. ‘The Soviets occupied my town in the 80s when I was a child.’

In fact, it’s the Soviet occupation that cost Ormur his legs. ‘I stepped on a Russian land mine. It was a tragic accident, but without it, who knows what my life might have become.’

Russian officials were caught completely off guard by the spontaneous action. Wheelchair biathletes apparently took over Sochi’s vital transport links and airport exits in a matter of minutes, commanded by captain Harry Baker, an American Iraq veteran. Baker reportedly has extensive experience with urban warfare.

‘It is a disgrace that the Olympic Games, an event that celebrates peaceful competition, is hosted by a nation that simultaneously engages in acts of war,’ Captain Baker stated to CNN. ‘Many of us know the horrors of war. We cannot allow this to happen on our watch.’

Baker claims that Norwegian and Swedish Paralympic skiers are patrolling the area around Sochi, and that others have formed human barricades at the airport. Local security forces are at a loss how to respond to the situation, two days before the start of the Paralympics.

The Kremlin speaks of ‘disturbances’ and ‘disagreements’ in Sochi, but has so far downplayed the seriousness of the situation. ‘People have a right to voice their opinion, but must do so peacefully. The Games will go on as planned,’ said Arseny Khuykov, senior official.

Sochi residents are not alarmed. ‘Crippled gunmen stalking around the city? Nothing new. Before the Olympics, you could find drunk Chechen War veterans hurling abuse at every street corner,’ tweeted one Russian resident.

Hamid Ormur, Paralympic athlete:
‘I know what it feels like to have your home occupied by foreign troops. I stepped on a Russian land mine in Afghanistan’

‘We stand by the cause of freedom. The 2018 Winter Olympics don’t need an extra influx of handicapped Ukrainian and Russian athletes who were maimed in a pointless war,’ said a defiant Captain Baker, shortly before wheeling off to bark orders at his impromptu militia.

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