The European Rightly
July 14th, 2020

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

PSG next winner of UEFA Champions League

April 3rd, 2013

UEFA president Michel Platini has announced that French football club Paris Saint Germain (PSG) will be the next winner of the UEFA Champions League. ‘It is only fair that a French team would win this year.’

Michel Platini was glad to announce PSG will finally win anything of note.

After eliminating Barcelona in the quarter finals, PSG will beat Bayern München on their way to the finals, announced Mr Platini on a press conference this morning. PSG will win the concluding match 2-1 against Real Madrid in Wembley Stadium.

Following long and tough negotiations, Mr Platini proclaimed he was finally convinced that this scenario, proposed by the Qatar Investment Authority (QIA), will give an important boost to European football.

The UEFA president denied allegations, made by the British press, that his decision was influenced by the QIA’s football investments, which have resulted in it becoming the sole shareholder of the Parisian squad.

‘Money is only a minor factor in the complex decision-making process within the UEFA’s institutions,’ Platini said. ‘France has not won the Champions League since Marseille did it in 1993. Most European football fans would hate to see an English, Spanish or Italian winning the title once more. It is only fair that a French team would win it this year.’

When a Turkish reporter asked why Turkey (Galatasaray) has never won the European Champions League, the UEFA president started laughing, then urged all journalists to ask only serious questions.

Michel Platini:
‘Money is only a minor factor in the UEFA’s complex decision-making process’

For the fans of PSG, a Champions League title was a long expected one. It will be the first time since 1994, when they came out on top in the French first division, that the Parisian side will win anything of note.