The European Rightly
November 28th, 2020

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

‘Real Men’ are absolute twats, it has emerged

July 24th, 2014

Researchers from the University of Oxford have recently concluded a three-year study on masculinity. It confirmed their hypothesis that ‘Real Men’ are dimwitted idiots.

'Real Men' have already expressed disagreement with the results, calling the researcher gay.

The study interviewed 1,007 men between ages 18 and 66 in the United Kingdom, France, Denmark and Switzerland and examined the subjects’ attitudes on masculinity.

‘Most subjects agreed on what constituted society’s image of traditional masculinity, but not everyone subscribed to every or even any component,’ comments sociologist James Porkins, one of the research leaders.

Being asked what they consider ‘typically male’, answers yielded a range of activities and interests such as injury-prone sports, inter-group aggression, alcohol abuse, speeding, emotionless sex and the abuse of women and homosexuals.

‘Not to our surprise, the more men subscribed to the typical components of masculinity, the lower they scored on intelligence tests and the higher they scored on anti-social personality traits,’ says Porkins.

The researchers are still mystified as to why this model of masculinity still features so wildly in the public’s imagination.

‘You would actually expect that by promoting an unhealthy lifestyle with lots of red meat and cheap beer instead of a balanced diet, self-described ‘Real Men’ would have died out by now,’ admits Porkins.

The team theorises that the continued survival of ‘Real Men’ may be because of their wide class distribution. ‘All it takes is one ‘Real Man’ at the office who thinks sexual harassment is an invention from women who’ve spurned him, and he’ll get at least some amount of traction.’

Porkins says that more research is needed. In the meantime, he advises people to steer clear of ‘Real Men’. ‘Those words are alarm bells. As soon as someone uses them, you know that something unbelievably stupid is going to happen.’

James Porkins:
‘The term ‘Real Men’ is like a warning sign that something unbelievably stupid is about to happen’

Self-titled ‘Real Men’ have already begun responding to the research, decrying the results as the work of ‘a pencil-necked intellectual’, and several men challenging Porkins to a fist fight. Some have fielded the possibility that Porkins might be gay.