The European Rightly
December 15th, 2017
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Scandinavia to form MegaZord at Eurovision

May 13th, 2013

Come May 18 at the grand finals in Malmö, the Scandinavians are once again gearing up for a tour de force. Their bloc voting will produce the Nordic MegaZord once more, with Sweden at the centre.

Sweden is hoping to ruin yet another summer for all of Europe with their bloc voting MegaZord.

Scandinavians were among the first to understand the true nature of the Eurovision Song Contest as a tongue-in-cheek camp fest. ‘But that is not enough to win,’ says Ulf Uvlake, Head Commissioner of Bloc Voting. ‘We need to pull together to defeat our common enemies.’

Last year, Sweden’s Loreen ruined an entire European summer for holidayers everywhere with her winning song ‘Euphoria‘. Long before that, however, the Swedes unleashed the bearded foursome of Abba on the world.

‘This year’s hopeful for Sweden is a sympathetic-looking blob of ham with a nice voice and catchy hair,’ says Andrew Miller, our lead Eurovision expert. ‘I’m not sure he will be enough to guide the other Nordic rangers to victory.’

‘Norway has not been as consistently lucky in its Eurovision endeavours,’ admits Ulf Uvlake. ‘Despite having won the contest three times, the Norwegians also hold a record number of last spots – twelve.’ This makes the country somewhat of a comic relief among their Nordic fellows.

‘For 2013, it seems Norway is hoping that Europe might somehow mistake their contestant for the Swedish singer Robyn, and that’s a sound strategy as far as I’m concerned,’ comments Miller.

If Sweden forms the head and torso of their camp MegaZord and Norway is one of its arms, then Iceland and Denmark are the legs: plodding, slow and forgettable.

‘Iceland’s Eurovision history is a bland back catalogue of schmalz, with the aggravating exception of Silvia Night. Denmark, for their part, were able to prove that two balding, middle-aged guys with a snooze-inducing warble could luck their way into winning back in 2000,’ says Miller.

‘Despite having only won the contest once, Finland’s sole victory is considered a watershed moment in the annals of the ESC,’ says Ulf Uvlake. As the MegaZord’s unreliable left arm, for 2013, the Finns have opted for leather.

Iceland and Denmark are the legs: plodding, slow and forgettable

‘As honourary Scandinavians, the Baltic countries – Estonia, Lithuania and Latvia – have a reputation for musical talent,’ says Uvlake. Indeed, a lot of their entries suggest they vacillate between taking the contest deadly seriously and using it to impress Europe with their sense of irony. ‘Their voting bloc is as tightly knit as an awkward Christmas sweater,’ says Andrew Miller. ‘This year’s only noteworthy entry from the region is from the Latvian low-budget Silver Surfer.’

This is the fourth part of The Rightly‘s ESC Special. Up next: ‘Eastern Europe at ESC: the Spandex Curtain’

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