The European Rightly
January 23rd, 2019
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Palaeolithic Particle Accelerator discovered

April 24th, 2013

Strong hunter-gatherers with feral beards may have been the first nuclear physicists the world has known. Crashing huge rocks into one another gave them an intrinsic insight in sub-atomic matters.

Hunter-gatherer-nuclear physicists accelerated particles (most likely rocks) by dragging them around a circular site.

In Southern England, a group of archeologists believe to have happened upon what could very well be the oldest particle accelerator known to man. The circular construction of megaliths would have provided ‘the ideal conditions for particle acceleration’, says team member Jim Kevin Kenneth.

According to Kenneth, the society of hunter-gatherer-nuclear physicists residing at the site would have focused heavily on training warriors capable of carrying particles (most likely rocks) around the megaliths at ever increasing speeds.

The process involved druids observing the effects of two warriors carrying particles

Kenneth bases his claim on the large amount of rocks found in the immediate vicinity. The process would have involved druids observing the effects of two warriors carrying particles crashing into one another at full speed.

It is a well established fact that so-called primitive cultures had an intricate understanding of astronomy. This find, however, sheds new light on their advanced knowledge of the sub-atomic structure of the elementary matter of the universe.

‘It is quite possible those men were the first discoverers of what is nowadays known as Higgs Boson‘, comments physicist Leon M. Lederman, who gave the ‘God Particle’ its nickname. ‘Modern scientists had to wait until 4 July 2012 before they could confirm the existence of Higgs Boson. But basically, the principles governing the Large Hadron Collider are not different from banging solid clumps of rock together.’

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