The European Rightly
June 20th, 2019
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Avril Lavigne still alive after lost decade

May 8th, 2013

Canadian singer Avril Lavigne has been found alive 10 years after she went missing. Her desperate cries for attention and frantic phone calls to showbizz bloggers eventually led to the woman’s rescue.

Avril Lavigne was found singing to herself: 'I've got a little pink book with my poems in, I've got a bag with a dildo and a comb in.'

Avril Lavigne was discovered in her own home in Los Angeles, sitting all alone, listening to her breakthrough single ‘Complicated’. Ten years ago, she started to fade into obscurity and has since been presumed dead by the celebrity press.

‘I’ve got a little pink book with my poems in, I’ve got a bag with a dildo and a comb in,’ she was quoted as saying when the police found her. ‘I have got elastic bands keeping my pumps on and I have got thirteen channels of shit on the TV to choose from. But I haven’t got amazing powers of observation and neither have I got nicotine stains on my fingers. Though, when I pick up the phone, there’s still nobody home.’

The LA police revealed that they had been alerted to the missing woman’s whereabouts by a frantic emergency call from the singer. She was freed from oblivion by a blogger who wrote he heard screaming and came to her aid.

‘I saw this girl going nuts trying to get attention,’ the smelly internet nerd said, adding that he was astonished when she identified herself. ‘Then I realised I was calling 911 for Avril Lavigne. I thought that girl was dead.’

In a recording of the emergency call that has been released, the 28-year-old can be heard screaming: ‘Help me! I’m Avril Lavigne… I’ve been missing for 10 years and I’m here. Please, can someone hear me?’

Mrs Lavigne had last been seen performing on her Try To Shut Me Up Tour, which turned out to be a success in ways she had not seen coming. The singer was taken in for evaluation and a doctor said she was safe and appeared to be in fair condition.

‘This isn’t the ending we usually have to these stories,’ Dr Yves Brownsmith said. ‘We’re very happy for her.’

Crowds on the street pointedly did not cheer as police affirmed the singer’s discovery

Police believe Mrs Lavigne was in her home for the entire time she was missing. Officials said further details would be disclosed at a news conference later today. The singer indicated that she knew her disappearance had in fact not been widely reported in the media. Crowds on the street where the woman was found pointedly did not cheer as police affirmed the singer’s discovery.

‘Everyone is shocked,’ an angry passer-by told the press. ‘We have many unanswered questions regarding this case.’

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