The European Rightly
June 20th, 2019

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Steve Wozniak ‘too ugly to wear Google Glass’

May 1st, 2013

Google Glass, the augmented reality device that is meant to change the world, is out for testing. Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak had hoped to be one of the chosen few, but alas, Google thinks he’s too ugly.

'No hard feelings. It's the story of my life,' Steve Wozniak joked lightheartedly after hearing he wasn't selected as one of the testers of Google Glass.

Internet giant Google did not explicitly state Steve Wozniak was too ugly. Insiders instead mentioned ‘a mismatch of the smartspecs’ dimensions and Mr Wozniak’s physical configuration’.

Technology blogger Robert Scoble, however, made it clear Mr Wozniak was ‘simply not handsome enough to wear those beautiful glasses’. ‘He’s big headed, but so am I. Still, I was chosen as one of the first testers and Steve was not. I respect him a lot, I really do, but there is no denying the fact that I am gorgeous, while Steve’s face is somewhat less compatible with the slick design of Google’s game-changing device. (Did you know I have 329,6k followers on Twitter?)’

According to Scoble, there is a mutual relationship between Google Glass and its wearer. ‘On my head, the glasses look even more fabulous, but if Steve were to wear those smartspecs, he himself would only look uglier. Almost to the point he’d risk being mistaken for a Briton. That’s why he’s out of the picture. (Please check my profile on Google Plus!)’

Mr Wozniak stressed he fully understood Google’s decision. ‘My opinion is of no great importance compared with Robert’s detached analysis. No hard feelings. It’s the story of my life,’ he joked lightheartedly. ‘Why do you think Apple always tries to distance itself from my humble person? I will just have to wait until Google Glass goes on sale to give it a try. That’s perfectly all right with me.’

No, we’re sorry, Steve, but things will not be all right. Sergey Brin, Google’s co-founder and the driving force behind Project Glass, definitely does not want you to be seen wearing his brainchild. ‘Of course, we cannot prevent Mr Wozniak from buying this astounding piece of hardware. But we can deny him the right to use it,’ Mr Brin declared. ‘If he logs on to a Google Glass device, it will give him a short, sharp shock. Nothing violent as such – we are still not evil – but short-circuiting the glasses renders them pretty useless.’

Sergey Brin:
‘I admit Steve’s a nice guy, but then again, an ox is also nice’

‘Look, I admit Steve’s a nice guy, but then again, an ox is also nice,’ added Mr Brin. ‘It’s a matter of compatibility. Google Glass is all about looking cool and fabulous. You cannot do good for everyone, we have realised. There have got to be limits.’

‘Yes, limits are important,’ acknowledges Mr Wozniak. ‘If I were Google, I wouldn’t be the first person I’d think of giving Glass to. I’d rather give it to its true and rightful inventor.’


1 Comment | RSS

  1. The ugly truth.

    dennis on 25 Jun 2013 at 20:35