The European Rightly
August 9th, 2020

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

Sun, not man, primary cause climate change

February 27th, 2013

NASA has released new data confirming that not man, but our solar system’s sun is the primary cause of climate change. Without this giant fireball earth’s surface would be freezing cold.

The solar surface is 'fucking hot', according to doctor Droivenstock.

The earth is heating up, but according to NASA climatologist Dr Daniel Droivenstock, the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change (IPCC) seems to leave the gargantuan amount of heat energy produced by the sun out of the equation. ‘Our solar system’s sun, a giant fireball at a mere distance of 150,000,000 kilometers, has a dazzling average surface temperature of about 5,774 degrees Celsius. That’s fucking hot,’ says the scientist.

A significant part of solar energy reaches the earth’s surface. ‘Without this super-colossal nuclear reactor in our cosmic backyard, earth’s surface temperature would fluctuate around 0 Kelvin (absolute zero),’ Mr Droivenstock argues.

However, when last calibrated, earth’s average surface temperature reached about 6 °C. That means solar-produced heat is responsible for an average temperature increase of a stunning 279 °C.

‘That’s about 1,550 times the increase ascribed to human activity by the IPCC, which amounts to a meagre 0.18 °C,’ Dr Droivenstock abides. ‘I find that tremendously disturbing. This dependency on the sun could mean our downfall . What if it suddenly decides to terminate its nuclear activity? I think we should radically invest in ways to produce the energy necessary to bypass the sun completely.’

But that won’t be easy with present technology. Today’s average nuclear reactor produces 88 megawatts per hour, while the sun generates more than 122,000,000 gigawatts per hour. ‘Mankind now boasts 442 operational nuclear facilities. That means we’ll need an additional 138,673,458 reactor cores. We’ve got some work ahead,’ Droivenstock prompts.

Mr Droivenstock’s credentials notwithstanding, some environmentalists have already condemned the idea of building additional nuclear facilities. Hermannn Gewürztraminer (Greenpeace Germany) heckles the unconditional belief in nuclear energy as a means to tackle any future energy shortages.

Daniel Droivenstock:
‘What if it suddenly decides to terminate its nuclear activity?’

‘I’m not saying Mr Droivenstock is in the pocket of the nuclear lobby, but he remains remarkably mute about alternative ways to produce energy,’ the environmentalist argues. ‘Solar panels are becoming increasingly efficient. They could be easily deployed as an alternative for nuclear energy, should the sun ever fail us.’