The European Rightly
March 22nd, 2019
⋅ HEADLINES ⋅

Belgium takes penile prints of asylum seekers

Male asylum seekers entering Belgium will have to cede prints of their erectile penis. ‘We admit fingerprints are too intrusive, that’s why we’re taking penile prints’, government officials say.

Men relieved by Facebook’s new ‘Show me your tits’ button

Of the new ‘Reactions’ Facebook has released, the ‘Show me your tits’ button is by far the most popular. ‘This button expresses what 10,000 likes can’t manage,’ men say. ‘It makes life a whole lot easier.’

World stops pretending it gives a shit about Palestine

January 15th, 2014

In the margins of a UN meeting, world leaders have agreed to stop pretending they give a shit about the Palestinians. ‘It was a tough decision, but in the best interest for everyone involved.’

Avigdor Lieberman: 'It's now one less opportunity for us to invoke pity for the Holocaust if we get criticised'

Widely held as a decision long overdue by the United Nations, the UN Security Council created a resolution that formalizes their contempt for Palestinian statehood aspirations.

Ban Ki-Moon, UN Secretary General: ‘It was a tough decision. We have always tried to take a moderate stance in the ongoing conflict between Israel and the Palestinian Authority, but we’ve quietly known for a long time that the fabled 1967 borders were never coming back.’

‘Honestly, we have better things to do than to offer token support to a state that’s never going to happen,’ said a frank Russian president, Vladimir Putin.

Vladimir Putin:
‘We have better things to do than to offer token support to a state that’s never going to happen’

German chancellor Angela Merkel was more circumspect. ‘We still recognise that Palestinians are a people with human rights, but we cannot, for their sake, infringe on the sovereignity of the state of Israel.’

US president Barack Obama offered no public comment, but the White House distancing itself from a Muslim negotiation partner is seen as a move to allay persistent right-wing rumours that the president himself is secretly a Muslim.

Leaders from the Palestinian Authority react with disappointment, but say that they are willing to conduct negotiations over how much of a shit the world might still be prepared to give.

Reactions in Israel are mixed. ‘It’s probably a good thing that the world will now focus less on the horrible human rights abuses that we perpetrate on the Palestinians,’ says Israeli Minister of Foreign Affairs Avigdor Lieberman, ‘but on the other hand, it’s now one less opportunity for us to invoke pity for the Holocaust if we get criticised.’

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